Fractured Fairy Tale

Elmer’s New Animal Machine

Elmer was obsessed with turning into an animal. He wanted to be able to turn into any animal he wanted to be. He wanted to be able to fly anywhere he wanted as an eagle. He wanted to be a feared lion. He wanted to crush anything as an elephant.

Elmer fancied himself an intelligent lad. He had been working on an invention that he knew would work. He knew he would be able to create his masterpiece, but he thought that he was missing something.

On day, while Elmer was working on his machine, he heard a knock at the door. He was very interested in who it was. No one had visited him in years. He went to the door and opened it.

A tall, strange looking man was standing at the door. The man said, “Good day sir?”

Elmer looked around, confused about the question/comment, wondering if the question/comment was directed toward him.

“Are you asking me a question or…”

“I said good day,” the tall man said angrily.

“Ok, ok I’m sorry. It’s just that I haven’t heard anyone say good day since I watched Braveheart, and I have never heard anyone say it in a form of a question,” Elmer challenged.

“Obviously you haven’t been to Neverland,” someone said. A strange little man was standing beside the taller man.

Elmer jumped back, and screamed in a high pitched voice, “Good God!!” Elmer and the short man looked at each other awkwardly for a few moments. “I honestly didn’t see that you were there.”

“Whatever. We’re not here to debate my existence; we are here to sell you the piece you need to finish your animal machine masterpiece,” the short man responded.

“How did you know about that,” Elmer snapped. He was extremely confused. He felt as though his baby had been stolen from him.

“Don’t worry. We are not here to steal your idea. We are merely here to sell you the final piece to your puzzle,” the taller man said.

“What do you mean?”

“Your calculations are a bit off. You need the flux laminator.”

Elmer wanted to question whether or not they were stalkers. There was an opportunity to finish his dream, and he was not going to miss it.

“How much?” Elmer asked anxiously.

“$50,000 each night we work on it.”

“Each night?”

The tall man looked at Elmer like he was stupid. “A flux laminator doesn’t just come out of the blue you know.”

Elmer didn’t want to admit that he didn’t know what a flux laminator was. “Of course. Of course. What was I thinking.”

“I’m not sure sir, but you need to get your act together.” The short man made Elmer feel like a small boy.

Elmer didn’t want this condescending conversation to go on any longer. “Well, the sooner you get to work, the sooner I become and eagle, and the less I have to pay.”

The two strange men got to work. They seemed to be working hard, and the flux illuminator seemed to be coming along. Elmer was satisfied with their effort, but because Elmer was a very eager person, he was not satisfied with the time.

They men finished in 13 days, and Elmer was down to his last dollar, but anything was worth becoming any animal he wanted.

“There is one thing sir,” the short man said, “When you become an animal, you will not be seen by anyone who is stupid or not good-looking. You shouldn’t have any trouble seeing yourself as a magnificent creature.”

Elmer became worried. What if he couldn’t see himself as an animal? “Alright,” Elmer said hesitantly. “Let’s do this.”

Elmer stepped into the machine, programmed the machine for a tiger, and let the magic happen.

“My goodness, you are an absolutely brilliant tiger. You are so brilliant that I don’t know if you are a real tiger or not. Don’t eat me tiger!” The tall man said, laughing. “Hahaha I’m kidding.”

Elmer was scared. He couldn’t see himself as anything but plain old Elmer. Elmer thought to himself, “How could this be, I have built an extremely complicated machine, so I must be smart. I feel as though I am much better looking than these to strange men. Is my self-perception really that terrible?”

Of course Elmer didn’t want to admit it, so he said to the men, “I really feel like a tiger. This is great. I just want to hunt something.”

“Let’s try something else then. Why don’t you turn into an eagle? You could fly from building to building. Wouldn’t that be great?” The tall man laughed under his breath.

Elmer got really scared. “This could be bad,” he thought to himself. “Well it shouldn’t be bad because these two men can see me, so I must really look like animals.”

Elmer got in the machine and turned into an eagle. The three men went up to the roof. The two strange men had evil smiles on their faces while Elmer got up on the ledge. Elmer took one final glance back, mustered up some courage and said, “Let’s do this.”

Elmer jumped, and he didn’t survive, because he wasn’t an eagle. The two men gave each other a high-five and ran off with the money.

Sucks for Elmer.

Moral: Don’t do what he did.